Sunday, November 6, 2016
After I posted about cancelling my little Guy Fawkes Day celebration yesterday, I just felt worse.
Traditional holidays have been horrible for me (a litany of illness and little bad luck moments) and family deaths have often occurred at those times: Christmas, Valentines, my birthday. Yeah, I have actually spent two birthdays making burial arrangements at the funeral home. When the funeral director politely invited me to return, I told him that I'd prefer not to come back unless they served cake with candles on it. He didn't think that was funny. But, frankly, neither did I.
So when I decide to celebrate a holiday, any holiday, it is both a leap of faith and an act of rebellion. I realized right away yesterday that giving up was the very worst thing: it would be accepting defeat. If I want Guy Fawkes Day, I'm gonna have Guy Fawkes Day in some form or other. And that is that.
So what if I couldn't afford to go to the grocery?
So what if I'm tired and stressed?
Just so what?! Time to rebel for sure.
I immediately got into my grubby little yellow car, and I went directly to Winn Dixie. I bought a bag of baker potatoes, veggie-sausage, and real cream for tea.
Embarrassingly, I cried all the way to the grocery. And I cried all the way through the store and out the cash register line. Big fat ploppy tears that just would not stop and that made my navy blue mascara run down my cheeks.
So what? I am human. I was frustrated and tired. I do not always feel brave, no matter how much I may wish to be.
Joy isn't something that just happens. It's a choice. It requires courage and effort. That effort is totally worth it, even if it makes you cry for seemingly silly reasons.
I still wouldn't dare to light those sparklers--not worth the risk because I know too well what it's like to see my yard on fire. (Read this post .)
I couldn't even watch the stars (a shame really because the moon and mars were parked next to one another last night--see this article about November's interesting astronomical events on National Geographic). But the good news is that I couldn't see the sky because it was cloudy. Yeah, thank goodness, we are due for some much-needed rain.
I had a baked potato and veggie sausage. And I really enjoyed that. It was a small celebration in itself, and I looked forward to it all day. That made all the organizing and packing seem just a bit easier.
Life is good because we MAKE it good.
We have to believe. And we have to try.