I am NOT an idiot

Sometimes I can be a bit of a nitwit 

(can't we all?!) 

but I am NOT an idiot.

~ episode 1 ~

I went to the local hardware store this afternoon.  Hardware store helper guy meets me at the door and asks if he can help.

"Yes, please, I need a lamp kit."

"You need a what?"

"I need a lamp kit.  I want to repair a lamp."

"Why?"

"I need a lamp kit to fix a 1940's milk glass wall lamp.  The socket has shorted, so the light flashes.  It's not safe to leave it plugged in anymore."

"We don't have that item."

"Okay, that's fine, thanks.  Where's the electrical stuff?  I'll just wander around."

"But we don't have it."

"That's okay."  I start walking.  Hardware store helper guy follows.  "Oh, there's the electrical stuff."

"But we don't carry what you're looking for."

I walk to the end of the aisle.  There's the stuff.  "See, it's like these pendant lamp kits, but not for pendants."

"But we don't have it."

"Here's exactly what I'm looking for but it has a brown cord.  I want white so it won't show against the pink wall."

"Oh well, maybe you should try another hardware store because we don't carry lamp kits."

I'm still scanning stock, and EUREKA, there it is right at the bottom of the display:  a lamp kit with a white cord.  It's priced nearly twice what it ought to be but, for once, I do NOT care because I have Proved to Mr. Helpful Hardware Man (and you know which store I'm talking about now) that your store DOES carry lamp kits.  And I was very nice about it, too.  I didn't even say I told  you so--wasn't even tempted.  After all, I had a lamp kit with a white cord.

So, he's following me to the check out protesting all the way, and he just won't give up because he KNOWS that they don't carry lamp kits.  

"It's okay.  It's impossible to know all the stock in any store.  There's a lot to learn and too much to remember, especially in a hardware store."

But he has to say it just ONE more time.  

"Well, sir, you know life is funny.  I used to help out at the pawn shop down the road, and when I started I couldn't tell a rifle from a shotgun but eventually I figured it out.  And if I didn't know, I just asked the customers to point at the gun they wanted.  Sometimes we just can't know everything.  But it sure was fun getting to play with all those guns."

He turned a little pale.  Bad me.  But at least he stopped protesting.  And I paid the clerk for The Lamp Kit That The Store Did NOT Carry.

~ episode 2 ~

...................well, there WAS another story in this part, but I've elected to edit it, purely in my own best interests.  It was about someone who thought he could outsmart me while also cheating me.  That sort of tactic seriously annoys me.  

Let's just say I figured it out fast, and I have NOT been bested.  

~ the moral of the story:  

you can think I'm a nitwit all you want, 

and sometimes you might be right, 

but I am NOT an idiot. ~

Now, I am gonna go have a great big girly mug of tea.  Then I'm gonna get my girly toolkit, and I'm gonna go repair me a girly  antique lamp.  So there.  
Take that, guys!