I suppose I could remove the rant I posted last night. Usually I think very carefully and I don't post things on a whim.....proof of that is in more than a dozen drafts that are languishing in a file; I'll probably never post them.
But sometimes it's necessary to say what is real. My life is real, and it's hard. I had a rotten childhood. My life has been a desperate disappointment. I have a disability that is incurable and untreatable and that is misunderstood by most people, including doctors. I struggle with pain every day. I am misjudged so frequently by well-meaning and sometimes just-plain-impatient people who get tired of me not acting like they think I should. People (even random strangers) correct me and admonish me and berate me all the damn time. And, hey, I'd be different if I could but I can't so I've learned to take it on the chin with a smile on my face and endless apologies coming out of my mouth. But then I get criticized for saying sorry too often.
Yes, I wanted something else from life. I didn't get it. And I never will.
But I refused to be backed into a corner. My rebellions are small but they are mine. Sometimes that means that I will do foolish things (like wasting all my energy moving furniture when I really should be washing the dishes that have been in the sink for two days).
People don't have to understand. I'm strangely grateful that they care enough to criticize and correct--at least that means they are paying attention, right?
And sometimes, on very rare occasion, I guess it's time to have a really big old scream.....which is what I've been doing, haven't I? But I don't think that helps. Really. I don't. I believe that we have to keep our eyes on things that are good, that God is still there no matter what, that He has prepared us for the hard times that we face. God doesn't prevent hard things from happening but He uses them to create something stronger in us. I believe that with all my heart--that there is a higher purpose and a meaning that is too vast for our small human eyes to see. And I am grateful for everything.
I keep going back again and again to Philippians 4. It tells me what I need to understand, what I need to do, why I need to hope.
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!
Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
Do not be anxious about anything,
but in every situation, by prayer and petition,
present your requests to God.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Giving thanks for all things. It's time to stop complaining. It's time to move on and work harder.
Life is good.
I am grateful.